FEELING & FINANCES DON'T MIX
I use to believe that Feelings and Finances couldn't mix and made for a disastrous relationship. I was wrong.
I view my finances as a relationship, one that had been extremely dysfunctional. Just like we choose the type of relationships we get to have with people in our lives we also choose how we relate to our finances. There's the things we hear and then there's the unspoken. You know, all the things we needed to know in order to navigate on our own i.e. managing a checkbook, paying bills, negotiating salaries, and saving but were never taught. Growing up, the messages I received or internalized was 1) money is used as to provide for your family 2) and demonstrates just how loved you are, or aren't. When I lived with my grandparents both were gainfully employed, the message there was, when you work you get to have nice things, cars, furs, jewels etc. When I lived with my mom that's where I grew up on welfare we had nice things too, because make no mistakes my mother like nice shit, still does. However the emotional aspect of it was wrought with addiction and absenteeism. Here's where it get's interesting my grandparent two income home, and raising two grandchildren, I would get stuff, but only on occasions and a lot of times shopped thrift store {today, I can appreciate a good thrift store find not at twelve}. My aunt who was the single caretaker of my other two siblings, her 3 children, and my cousin (six kids in total), she'd always buy them new stuff and things just because. I distinctly remember the day that I thought clearly that they were more loved then me. The story I made up: as the oldest I was always making the sacrifices or getting the short end of stick. I was good enough to care for others, but not to get just because. I needed to prove my worthiness. It wasn't just the items, I also didn't' have the best relationship with my grandmother (that changed as an adult). That prompted me early on to go out and work 14 years old, because I was going make myself feel loved by buying my own stuff [the early feelings and finance battle began]. I had attached money to my worthiness. This is why it's important to effectively communicate with your children about money and be cognizant of how we frame messages about having or not having money. When we don't do it effectively they will make up stuff.
If you've grown up in a dysfunctional family, experienced divorce, suffered abandonment issues, etc. {hopefully] you made a choice that no matter what occurred in your childhood that it will not define your future. For the most part I was able to navigate and keep my eyes on the prize. I recall watching Iyanla Vanzant on Fix My Life, the episode with Neffie and Soullow. Iyanla said to Neffie, "Look at what you've been through, the mind is simply a muscle and if your muscle was built on trauma, if your muscle was built on intense instability, if your muscle was built on abandonment, and rejection, and mis-identification, why do you think it's going to function normally." I like to think my i'm functioning normally, WTF is normal? I do appreciate receiving the message, not as an excuse, as an acceptance of what was and an understanding that wounds heal but they still leave scars and it's learning to live with those scars. I'm not without my wounds. However, I get to face my future differently and I've done and continue to do work, prayer, therapy, workshop {given & taken], empowering other women, raising my daughters differently, and experiencing myself as worthy, deserving, and getting that I matter.
I needed to get clear that I was not my money, begin distancing my worthiness from it, and to stop feeling guilty for moments when I'd have lots of it (that's my Welfare to Wall Street Journey) or like crap when I spent it down. I needed to learn that my Feelings and Finances did not need to be in constant conflict. I kept attaching and attacking myself based upon what I had or hadn't accomplished, my results became synonymous with who I was. The same can be said about ones weight, children's success or failures, level of education, or job (as we saw how others tried to attack Geoffrey Owens). I am not my results, neither is Mr. Owens. It was imperative that I got that I can have my feelings and I can also have my money, it's just they needed to be managed differently. I couldn't continue to use my feelings to manage my money; or my money to manage my feelings. Neither won win I did that.
So what? Now What? some of my practices that I've implemented in addition to prayer, empowering others... On a monthly basis I see a budget counselor and together we create a spending plan. This structure holds me accountable in taking a look at what’s coming in (income) and what’s going out (expenses). What I love about it too is that I don't have to do it alone. That's a big life lesson for me as a single mom, I can request help. The practice of budgeting is intended to tell a story, and not at all be punitive. What I mean by punitive? Doesn't mean you can't have extra, what it may call to question if that extra is in alignment with what you want?
So today, commit to letting go of any old beliefs that you may have about money and create new ones.
What’s your financial goals and are you on target for them? If not, start today.
Some tools:
Become aware of your emotional financial triggers
Get a financial coach & emotional coach (therapist)
Track your expenses I use Mint and an an app called Expense (apple)
Create a Spending/ Action Plan
Get a budget counselor/financial planner/accountant/ or a friend - whatever suits your needs: I use Financial Empowerment Centers https://www1.nyc.gov/site/dca/consumers/get-free-financial-counseling.page
Create a money mantra: Here’s mine:
I give myself permission to prosper and grow. I can look at my finances without fear. Every dollar I spend and donate comes back to me multiplied. My income exceeds my expenses and I deserve to be paid for my skills, time and knowledge. I am connected to the universal supply of money. I have the power to create the success and build the wealth I desire.
Mantra created from https://www.girlboss.com/money/money-mantras-affirmations
Remember that at the essence of money it's all about choices. #FeelingsandFinances can co-exist we just need to learn to manage them differently...A Fund Manager vs. An Emotional Manager!